Quotes: Humerous Definitions

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Advertisement: The most truthful part of a newspaper.

Advertising: The fine art of making you think you have longed all your life for something you never heard of before.

Afternoon: The part of the day spent figuring how we wasted the morning.

Afterthought: A tardy sense of prudence that prompts one to try to shut his mouth about the time he has put his foot in it.

Agriculturist: One who makes his money in town and blows it in the country. – Elbert Hubbard

Alphabet: A toy for children found in books, blocks, pictures, and some soup.

Ambition: A poor excuse for not having sense enough to be lazy. – Charlie McCarthy

Ambulance: The shuttle between a speeding automobile and a wheelchair.

America: A land where a citizen will cross the ocean to fight for democracy – and won’t cross the street to vote in a national election. – Bill Vaughan

America: A nation that conceives many odd inventions for getting somewhere but can think of nothing to do when it gets there. – Will Rogers

America: Where you buy a lifetime supply of aspirin for one dollar, and use it up in two weeks. – John Barrymore

Americans: People with more time-saving devices and less time than any other people in the world. – Thomaston Times (Georgia)

The American way: Using instant coffee to dawdle away an hour.

Ancestor worship: The conviction that your family is better dead than alive.

Anger: Momentary madness. – Horace

Animals: Creatures that do not grab for more when they have enough.

Antique: An object that has made a round-trip to the attic and back.

Antique collector’s song: You take the highboy and I’ll take the lowboy.

Antiques: Furniture that is too old for poor people but the right age for rich people.

Antiques: The old virtues.

Apartment: A place where you start to turn off your radio and discover you’ve been listening to your neighbor’s.

Apologize: To repeat an insult with variations.

Appeaser: One who feeds a crocodile – hoping it will eat him last. - Winston Churchill

April 1: The day we are reminded what we are the other 364. – Mark Twain

Argument: Something that gets better when you don’t have facts.

Arithmetic: Being able to count up to twenty without taking off your shoes. – Mickey Mouse

Arthritis: Twinges in the hinges.

Atheist: A guy watches a Notre Dame-SMU football game and doesn’t care who wins. – Dwight D. Eisenhower

Atheist: A man who believes himself an accident. - Francis Thompson

Atheist: One who prays when he can think of no other way out of his trouble. – Prisons Mirror

Athlete, amateur: An athlete who is paid only in cash – not by check.

Auctioneer: One who can equally and impartially admire all schools of Art. - Oscar Wilde

Autobiography: An unrivaled vehicle for telling the truth about other people. – Philip Guedalla

Automobile: A guided missile.

Awe: Showing respect with your mouth wide open.

Quotes: Even more crazy definitions!

Baby: A perfect example of minority rule. – Milwaukee Journal

Bachelor: A thing of beauty and a boy forever. – Helen Rowland

Backbiter: A mosquito.

Bald: - When one has less hair to comb and more face to wash.

Barber: A brilliant conversationalist who cuts hair for a sideline.

Bargain: Usually something that’s so reasonable they won’t take it back when you find out what is wrong with it.

Benefactor: One who returns part of his loot.

Benevolence: The distinguishing characteristic of man. – Mencius

Bigamy: The only crime on the books where two rites make a wrong. – Bob Hope

Birth: The beginning of death.

Birthday: Anniversary of one’s birth, observed only by children.

Book, best seller: The gilded tomb of a mediocre talent. - Logan Pearsall Smith

Budget: A family’s attempt to live below its yearnings.

Budget: A plan that tells you what you can afford to spend but doesn’t keep you from spending more.

Budget: A schedule for going into debt systematically.

Budget: Telling your money where to go instead of wondering where it went. – C.E.Hoover

Buffet dinner: Where the hostess doesn’t have enough chairs for everybody. – Earl Wilson

Bureaucrat: A Democrat who holds some office that a Republican wants. - Alben W. Barkley

Bus driver: - The person who tells them all where to get off.

Business:  Something which, if you don’t get any, you go out of.

Business economy: A reduction in the other fellow’s salary.

Business forecaster: A person who is uncertain about the future and hazy about the present.

Businessman:  An amateur gardener who does his spring digging with a golf club.

Businessman: The man to whom age brings golf instead of wisdom. – George Bernard Shaw

Quotes: now on to C

Candidate: A person who asks for money from the wealthy and votes from the poor to protect them from each other.

Cauliflower: A cabbage with a college education. – Mark Twain

Chairman or toastmaster: - A person who introduces a person who doesn’t need an introduction.

Chairman or toastmaster: A person who introduces someone who is already well known to the audience.

Checkroom: Where the sheep are separated from the coats.

Cheerfulness: The art of concealing your true feelings.

Chef: An interior decorator.

Chicken: An egg factory.

Classic: A book which people praise and don’t read - Mark Twain

Christian nation: One that has churches too many people stay away from on Sunday. – Herbert V. Prochnow

City life: Millions of people being lonesome together. – Henry David Thoreau

Class reunion: A gathering where you come to the conclusion that most of the people your age are a lot older than you are.

Class reunion: Where everyone gets together to see who is falling apart.

Combustion: What takes place when there isn’t enough goods in a store to cover the insurance. – Herbert V. Prochnow

Commercial: The warning you get to shut off the radio or television.

Communism: Nobody’s got nothin’, but everybody’s working. – Fred Allen

Community fund: An organization that puts all its begs into one skit.

Conceited person: One who mistakes a big head for greatness. - Herbert V. Prochnow

Conference: A long coffee break.

Congress: A body of government that does not solve problems – it just investigates them.

Conscience:  A still, small voice that tells you when you are about to get caught.

Contortionist: The person who invented the rumble seat.

Cookbook: A volume that is full of stirring passages.

Coordinator: The person who has a desk between expeditors.

Corporation: An ingenious device for obtaining profit without individual responsibility. – Ambrose Bierce

Courage: Ignorance of the facts.

Cow: A machine that makes it possible for people to eat grass. – John McNulty

Coward: One who in a perilous emergency thinks with his legs. - Ambrose Bierce

Crank: A person who insists on convincing you instead of letting you convince him.

Cravat: A $25 necktie.

Crochet: An exercise that gives women something to think about when they are talking.

Croquet: Chess with sweat. – Joe Laurie, Jr.

Quotes: And what about D?

Deficit: What you have when you don’t have as much as if you had nothing.

Deluxe: Mediocre in a big way.

Dentist: A collector of old magazines.

Dentist: A person who runs a filling station.

Desk: A waste basket with drawers. – Wall Street Journal

Diamond: A hunk of coal that stuck to its job.

Diamond: A piece of coal that made good under pressure.

Diet: A selection of foods for people who are thick and tired of it.

Diplomacy: Telling your boss he has an open mind instead of telling him he has holes in his head. The Inter-County Leader

Diplomacy: The patriotic art of lying for ones country. – Ambrose Bierce

Diplomat: A rabbit in a silk hat.

Diplomat: One who can yawn with his mouth closed. – College Humor

Discretion: When you are sure you are right and then ask your wife.

Doctor: A man who has his tonsils, adenoids and appendix.

Draw: A term used to describe the result of a battle between a dentist and a patient.

Driver, careful: The fellow who has made the last payment on his car.

Quotes: All Crazy in E!

Economy: Spending money without getting any fun out of it.

Education: The transition of civilization. – Will and Ariel Durant

Efficiency: Getting someone to do the job you hate.

Egg: A day’s work for a hen.

Endless: The time it takes for others to find out how wonderful you are.

Etc.: A sign you use in writing to make people believe you know more than you do.

Etiquette: To know which finger to put in your mouth when you whistle for the waiter.

Executive: A person who makes a prompt decision and is sometimes right.

Executive: A person who talks golf in the office and business on the golf course.

Experience: What you get while looking for something else.

Expert: One who avoids the small errors as he sweeps to the big mistake.

Expert: A person who knows enough to complicate simple matters.

Expert: Someone who is called in at the last moment to share the blame.

Quotes: Do not forget about F.

Fad: Something that goes in one era and out the other.

Failure: The opportunity to begin again – more wisely.

Fanatic: One who can’t change his mind and won’t change the subject. – Winston Churchill

Flattery: Often an insult in gift wrapping. – Herbert V. Prochnow

Footnote: Useless information placed where you can skip it.

Friend: A person who listens attentively while you say nothing.

Friend: Someone who doesn’t believe the gossip he hears about you even if he knows it’s true.

Friend: Someone who knows you well and still likes you.

Quotes: I love this first one

Garage: An attic on a lower level.

Gentility: What is left over from rich ancestors after the money is gone. – John Ciardi

Gentleman: A man who helps a woman over the street even if she does not need help.

Goblet: A small turkey.

Golf: A game in which purple people pursue white balls over green hills. – Herbert V. Prochnow.

Golf: A game in which you play pool in the woods or beat around the bush.

Golf optimist: a fellow who said he made fifteen on the first hole, fourteen on the second, thirteen on the third, and then blew up.

Gossip: Something that goes in one ear and over the back fence.

Grandparent: One who knows that spanking is unnecessary.

Grapefruit: Eyewash.

Gruesome: A little taller than before.

Guitar: A hillbilly harp.

Gunpowder: A substance used to make nations friendly to each other.

Quotes: H is not letting us down!

Hash: A conglomeration of heterogenous incompatibles that is edible.

Headlights: What the car driver uses to blind oncoming drivers.

Helpless: The feeling you have when your goldfish is sick.

Hide and sick: A game played on a vacation cruise ship by a large number of the passengers.

Hobby: Something you get goofy about to keep from going nuts about things in general.

Hockey: Mayhem on ice.

Honesty: The greatest handicap you can have in golf.

Horse sense: Something a horse has that keeps him from betting on men.

Humility: The solid foundation of all the virtues. – Confucius

Hunter, big game: A person who can spot a leopard.

Husband: A man of few words.

Quotes: Crazy I Definitions!

Icicle: A stiff piece of water. – Fred Allen

Imagination: What makes some politicians think they’re statesmen.

Inflation: Being broke with a lot of money in your pocket.

Inflation: When one can live as cheaply as two.

Inflation: When you can’t have your cake; dieting is when you can’t eat it.

Installment buying: A way to make the months seem shorter or to make time fly.

Quotes: Definitions for J

Jack: A thing that lifts a car and also keeps it going.

Jewelry: A woman’s best friend. – Edna Ferber

Junk: Something you throw away two weeks before you need it.

Justice: A decision in your favor. – Harry Kaufman

Quotes: the picking for K is small

Kangaroo: Nature’s initial effort to produce a cheerleader.

Quotes: Now on to L

Lean years ahead: What all of us hope for.

Liberal: A person who feels it is his responsibility to spend the conservative’s money.

Life: A do-it yourself project.

Los Angeles: Des Moines with oranges.

Quotes: Fun with M

Mailman: The contact with your installment creditor.

Man: The only animal that cooks.

Man: The only animal with brains enough to find a cure for the diseases caused by his own folly.

Manager of doughnut factory: A person who has charge of the hole works.

Manners: Noises you don’t make when eating soup.

Mealtime: When the children sit down to continue eating.

Middle age: When the average person is beginning to save next month.

Middle age: That period in life when your idea of getting ahead is staying even.

Middle age: When you begin to exchange your emotions for symptoms. – Irvin S. Cobb

Middle age: When you want to see how long your car will last instead of how fast it will go.

Middle class: The people who live in public how the rich do and in private how the poor do.

Money: The best substitute there is for credit.

Mystery: How the Joneses do it on that salary.

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